Several riders retired during the 2015 season. One of them is Thomas Dekker who ended a turbulent pro career with a failed Hour Record attempt in February. In a lengthy interview with Wielerflits, the Dutchman reflects on the time after his doping suspension.

During his doping suspension, Thomas Dekker was unable to enjoy himself. He was regarded as an enfant terrible in the cycling world. He was on the sideline while riders like Alexander Vinokourov delivered excellent performances. The Dutchman wanted to return to the peloton. Without a team he decided to show himself in the kermesses as he was not allowed to do pro races. He did 22 races after which his managers Eelco and Martijn Berkhout found an opening at the Chipotle-First Solar Development Team, the feeder squad for WorldTour team Garmin-Cervélo. Together with Johan Vansummeren, he won the pair time trial Duo Normand.

A difficult period followed. Dekker had to do everything to prove that he was worthy of a pro career. As a former talent for whom everything came easily, it was enormously difficult. "It was very difficult to cope with it. Of course I also lost a bit of my ability and I couldn’t rediscover the feeling of invincibility that I had always had. It is difficult to be an athlete who is battling against the outside world but also against yourself."

Despite the mental blow, Dekker managed to convince Garmin team manager Jonathan Vaughters of his value. He signed a one-year contract starting on January 1, 2012. He would soon pay back the trust: Dekker again showed a glimpse of his talent by soloing to victory in the final stage of the Circuit Cycliste Sarthe - Pays de la Loire after a long break. He finished fifth in the final standings and finished 18th in the Amstel Gold Race while working as a domestique.

Nonetheless, he started to doubt himself. "That season was not all about me anymore and that's logical," says Dekker. "There were many other good riders from Garmin and I also questioned myself. I didn’t have the level that I had hoped beforehand. That hurt. I was never really at the level from the time before my suspension. Was that the difference between Thomas Dekker with and without doping? I have won 43 pro races and more than thirty of them without doping. I think that the biggest problem at Garmin was mu own doubts.”

After that year, Dekker got a new contract for two seasons. In a tweet he thanked the team for their trust and he said that he wanted to lay a good foundation. That basis never came. "An athlete is obviously very good at fooling yourself. If you've been a winner, you want to be that again in the future. At Garmin, I have done many beautiful races. With the team, we won Liège-Bastogne-Liège and the Tour of Lombardy, things like that. Dan Martin was just so much better, Ryder Hesjedal too. At one point I was at peace and I was just glad I was a bit out of the shadows. Maybe it was not the high level of the past, but I was a happy person. And that is perhaps the most important. But I didn’t realize that until later.”

In the last two seasons, Dekker had no personal successes and the curtain fell at Garmin. However, it could have been different. "I got sick in 2014 just after the Brabantse Pijl. Therefore I was not at an acceptable level in Amstel Gold Race, Flèche Wallonne and Liège-Bastogne-Liege and I've sacrificed everthing for the team. Then you're in a downward spiral and to come out right of that is very difficult. But it didn’t impact the mood. I even think that if Cannondale and Garmin had merged, I would had ridden there now.”

In the search for a new team, Dekker’s management SEG Cycling looked around. There appeared to be no interest in his services. "The merger between the two teams was revealed late, so there was not much time left to find a new team – in the sense that I had not already had the whole year to establish contacts with other teams. In November 2014 I decided to attack the Hour Record. All winter, I did everything for that with a great team around me.”

He chooses the Mexican city of Aguascalientes to make his attempt to beat the record set by Rohan Dennis. "That was one of the most difficult hours of my life. I had reached the level I had failed to reach the previous years. One hour with a heart rate of 193 on average, at a speed of 52.2 kilometers per hour. I don’t think many people had expected more from me, at that level. Eventually I missed just over a lap, 271 meters.”

Dekker had still not ruled out a restart of his career. "In retrospect I think – I didn’t really think that in the beginning – that there would not have been more interest if I had broken the record. In cycling, the contracts are signed at the end of the season and in the winter. Most teams have no more budget to take another rider who just wants to ride for the minimum salary. And in cycling, there are np teams that have lots of money to fill gaps in their rosters. So I do not think I could have found a team.”

Although Roompot Orange Peloton had a meeting with Dekker, they had no money to hire him. LottoNL-jumbo had a spot for a rider with a minimum salary, since they signed Dennis van Winden in April. "LottoNL-Jumbo is of course a sensitive issue. You've had Blanco and Belkin, but in principle it is still the old Rabobank team. They want a lot of fresh air and refuse to be associated with the past. Which of course is not fair, because there are still guys who have done things that were not allowed.”

Dekker looks back on his career with mixed feelings. "My cycling career has been a rollercoaster. Many different emotions. As a human being I have grown tremendously I think. But it is a shame how my career has ended. Those are just the facts. But as a man you can never change the past. In retrospect, it is easy for everyone to point fingers. It could have been done differently. But that was not so at that time and I must have peace with it. That might have meant that I had had slightly less good results in the beginning of my cycling career, but perhaps - if other decisions had been taken – I would have had a longer and different career. But that's so hypothetical. Probably everything would have been possible, but you never know.”

We will never know if Dekker failed to realize his great potential due to wrong decisions. He is clear about that. "No, I absolutely dID not get the maximum out of my career. The results speak for themselves. After 2008, with a small improvement in 2009, I did occasionally show my class, including a very good attempt to break the Hour Record. All in all, my career has been too short. I'm only 31 and normally a cyclist rides until he is 36. I've really missed my best years." For comparison: Riders like Vincenzo Nibali and Chris Froome are the same age, but had significantly less outstanding results in their early years.

At present Dekker is writing his own book, which he hopes to release in 2016. He has not said a final farewell to cycling. "I'm always looking for fun things. Cycling is the best sport. I don’t think you’ve heard the last from me." To summarize: A large rough diamond that was beautifully polished, but suddenly broke during the process. "If you see what I have won and I have been through, it might be too much for a boy from Dirkshorn," concludes Dekker.